The unopened door

By Tasfia Tafanum

Grief hides in my drawer like an old photograph torn into bits and pieces but still kept aside just because it meant something valuable to someone.

I wake up to sound of my neighbours fixing their porch and everything seemed pretty normal - when everybody tries to fix something together, it looks like a festival.

Sometimes grief knocks pretty hard. Especially when it's 4AM in the morning and you haven't slept well for days. So it keeps knocking till you open the door.

But on days like that, hold yourself close and tell yourself “It was all for a reason.”

That somethings do happen for you to step out.

For you to let others lean on you.

For you to be the tree, the canopy.

For someone else.

Somebody told me that grief is like a body part. Once you've owned it completely, it doesn't leave you. It cannot leave you. 

So if grief is the only thing that tells me I survived all that, I'll welcome it with open arms. Why should such a feeling be left unanswered that is a trophy to all the battles I've fought in mid-April and mid-June. 

Sometimes you do have to credit yourself for those mornings. You slept through the drilling, you smiled through the unwanted gathering, you brushed off the paint even if it was all black, you saved a life. You held someone when you wished it was the other way around, you stood up for what feels right for you.

So if you ask me, yes grief shapes you into a new being.

Like a plant that has been showered with the adequate amount of sunshine and rain and air. You've grown. You've outgrown the places, the people and you've written yourself a whole new you. A whole new story. Be proud of that.

Then how do I make peace with that? You don't. And you don't need to.

You should just let it be. And once you do, it will one day come like a wave but waves also crash at the shore. So let things out once in a while if you want to. Remember good things take time and good people take the longer route.

But above all, if you are a good friend or if you are atleast trying to be- that's commendable. Because not everyone can be a good friend. It takes courage to not betray, to not let go, to be loyal and to not stab. It takes courage to hold yourself back despite the hurt.

Learn to be a good human being first. Everything else follows that notion. literally.

There is so much to say and so much weight to carry but the whole essence of this diary was to let you know,

There has been dark days and darkness surrounding the floor you've walked on,

so even if it's scary - learn to open the door. Because I didn't know it was sunny outside.

So I wrote this when I opened the door finally:

Let go of the grief but what if it knocks on your door during the solstice.

Hold onto it but what if it consumes you whole till you're just an eclipse. I wish I was twilight then maybe grief would just melt away through the morning that's leaving and the night that is to come and in the in between - when the sun and stars collide to make sure that everything is alright. Maybe I'm melting away everyday from who I was yesterday and maybe it is a good thing. 

Maybe it is a good thing.

By Tasfia Tafanum