Who are you when you're gone?

by Tasfia Tafanum

Let this be in first person.

If I die now, what will I carry with me?              

Maybe I won’t be able to appreciate the morning sky. Or be mesmerized by the sunsets anymore. Maybe the space I leave behind me will either wither away with autumn or will bloom forever during spring every year. Maybe my presence will be carved in stones or will be silenced forever. Maybe I won’t be remembered. My photographs will either be lost, torn or worn out. But eventually everyone will move on. That’s life, and that makes me happy too because I wouldn’t want the people I love to be sad for too long.

So every day I’ll appreciate the morning sky a bit more and maybe look at the sunsets a bit longer. I’ll hold the hands of  people I love more gently and with more warmth. I’ll say those words that I haven’t before. I’ll compromise a little bit. I’ll simply make myself coffee just because it gives me happiness. I’ll buy my favorite set of cookies. Maybe I’ll annoy my siblings a little more or shower my friends with cringeworthy compliments.

I’ll behave like I’m the main character. Or maybe cry my heart out, for I wouldn’t hold it in anymore. I’ll extend my bucket lists, too. Even when I’m just sitting all by myself, I’ll focus on the hustle and bustle. I’ll try finding leaves as I walk or maybe trip and fall. I’ll laugh a little louder and hug a little tighter. I’ll stop procrastinating my essays. Maybe I'd go a little crazy with the makeup sometimes. I’ll smile without a reason and embrace the pain without any hesitation. Try to be a little bit braver and have the courage to forgive.

It’s not about trying to live a life you can’t hold onto; it’s about not missing the beauty of the life you’re already living. Everyone has something to be grateful for. It could be anything. If I just happen to find that one thing every day, won’t it make me less sad? 

My heart might be shattered, but it’ll help it heal a little too. Maybe without investing too much time loving this world or not loving it at all but being in between and having a good stroll on that bridge will do. Just loving today enough to sleep without any regrets. 

So if I die, I hope even my absence can bring a smile to someone's face. Maybe one day if they hold something of mine, they’ll smile a little wider.

But you know, they say that photographs wear out. They don't really stay.

So it’s the feelings you leave behind that linger around even when you're gone.

-Tasfia Tafannum

| Alive and Breathing